Healing

It seems as though we have gotten into the swing of things.   The routine is getting a little easier every day.  At times I feel myself getting complacent.  We all get comfortable with our routines and our surroundings.  I know each and everyday that God has blessed us in so many ways but often forget just how much .  First I am blessed to have an amazing husband.  I could not ask for a more devoted husband.  He would go to the ends of the earth for me and our children.  That is truly something to be thankful for.  Second we have our beautiful children.  To think that we have been hand picked to be the parents of these 3 amazing children.  Nothing could be more humbling.  I also remember daily my Angel Bailey who passed 13 years ago.  To think it has been so long and yet some days it feels like only yesterday.  I don't think  I could have ever grasped how his passing would effect me and my future when it happened.  It's something I rarely talk about.  We have always been open with the kids about their brother in Heaven.  It seems like the most random times when their curiosity gets to them and they start to ask questions or inquire about him.  There are times when they are asking questions about him and I can see their lips moving but I can't hear a word they are saying.  In those moments all I can see are those painful memories of losing a child that I wish no one ever had to experience.  The times when someone asks Zachary how many siblings he has and he responds without any hesitation " I have one sister, one brother and one brother in heaven."  It hurts my heart that they suffer the loss of a sibling they never knew.  They talk about heaven a lot and about everyone that is watching over them, protecting our family.  I know that Bailey is up there watching over all 3 of his siblings.  There are times in my life when that pain is so fresh and raw.  One of those days came recently.  A friend of mine posted a blog that she had recently began following.  It was the story of a mother who just lost her daughter to SIDS.  A beautiful family dealing with the worst pain in the world.  As I sat an read her story I knew it would cause me pain.  Yet  I kept reading....the more I read the more I wept.  Our stories were not the same but we had both lost a child. She too was now a mother without her child.  A group I wish no mother had to be a part of.  I read for hours, the story of how she met her husband, their battle with infertility, the birth of their first born child and then just 4 months later their worst nightmare.  It made me confronte a lot of raw emotions that I had hidden away for years.  All the while holding my newborn baby boy. I felt the grief all over again.  11 years ago I held Lexi in my arms for the very first time on the same day that my cousin was laying her daughter to rest.  That sense of why them, why me etc.  I for that moment understood how my friends had felt 2 years before when Bailey went to heaven.  The guilt that they were holding their child and I could not hold mine.  For weeks I have been following her story as well as several others.  Mothers who use their blogs as an outlet for their raw emotions, a place to feel comforted and a place to share their story.  They say it is therapeutic and in just writing this I understand why.  Losing a child is something that a parent will never forget.  After it happens others treat you as if you are damaged.  They don't know what to say.  Often times you hear things like "I'm so sorry or I don't know how you could go on I would just die or they are in a better place.  Let me offer the biggest piece of advice to others.  The only thing these parents want is to be treated the same.  Hug them, tell them you love them, pray for them and just be there for them.  In the end that is all they need.  It is an individual journey of healing and as you can tell some journey's take a lot longer than others.  So yes we all get comfortable, we all get complacent but we shouldn't.  We should treasure each day with our children no matter what that days has in store.  I  am vowing now to stop everyday and take just one more picture, read one more book to my boys, share a little extra girl time with Lexi.  Just soak it all in.  We are not promised tomorrow, we only have today and the memories of the days before.  Below is a picture from a couple who started to write Angel babies names in the beautiful sands as a remembrance  for other families after losing a child of their own.  These pictures are beautiful just like the children we have lost.  I love you Bailey, Lexi, Zachary and Maddox.  You are my greatest gift.