So Many Emotions

So many emotions in so little time.  The last week has blown by like a whirlwind when in reality I just wanted it to slow down and never end.  Last week the kids and I had an awesome time.  On Tuesday my friends Nickie and Misty came over for lunch and to visit.  Misty brought along her sweet little girl Neely.  The kids played and I had an awesome time visiting with them.  It had been way to long since we had done that.  It's amazing to me that we can go for months at a time without talking and pick up like we left off yesterday.  Through thick and thin the three of us have always been there to support the other when it is needed the most.  I spent the next few days of the week soaking up as much time as I could with all the kids.  On Friday I took a little time out for me and did some shopping and that was a lot of fun.  One of the few times I have left Maddox since he was born for anything.  On Saturday we spent a wonderful day at home, just the five of us.  Cory and I worked in the yard and got a lot accomplished.  Sunday was another busy day.  Cory had a baseball game that afternoon.  Lexi and Zachary had their derby car race for Awana's at church that evening.  They both made great looking cars and did a good job.  Zachary let me snap a picture of him and his car.  A tank in honor of his Aunt Amber.  Sunday evening after we got home  we rushed to get Lexi packed for Church camp as she was leaving first thing Monday morning.  Cory had gone to work that night and as the kids were going to bed the reality set in.  On Monday morning it was time to go back to work. My fourteen wonderful weeks at home had come to an end.  Don't get me wrong I love my job and the people that I work with, they are some amazing women.  As I sat there and held Maddox as he fell asleep I completely fell apart.  When the other kids were young I really had no desire to be a stay at home mom.  As soon as I finished school I wanted to take on the world.  I realized this time around just how much of their little lives I missed by doing so.  I can't explain what has changed or why.  The battle of  is being a stay at home mom better than being a working mom has gone on for decades.  Who really knows which is right.  I think there are positives to both situation.  I finally managed to get my things ready for work and lay down in bed.  Needless to say I didn't get much sleep.  The next morning my mom arrived to stay with the kids and get Lexi off to camp.  I held Maddox as long as I could before I had to leave.  As he looked up at me with that huge smile and his big blue eyes my heart broke all over again.  How could I leave this previous angel?  I finally managed to tear myself away head for the office.  Once there I was of course greeted with a warm welcome from the girls. We talked and got caught up for a while.  As I retreated into my cubicle all I could think about was Maddox.  I cried several times off an on throughout the day.  I called at lunch time to check on him.  Of course he was being perfect.  I watched in the afternoon as it felt like the time stood still.  Five O'clock could not get there soon enough.  As soon as it did I raced out the door to pick him and Zachary up.  Once we got home all I could do was cuddle with the boys.  I didn't want to do anything else.  Cory finally got home around 9pm and I was still holding Maddox while he was sleeping.  Long after his usually 8pm bedtime.  We talked about all of the emotions that I was having.  I'm sure this feeling is completely normal.  My only reassurance is that when I leave in the mornings Maddox is with his wonderful Nana or his Daddy.  I can't even imagine what yesterday would have been like if I would have had to drop him off at daycare.  I am pretty sure I would not have made it through the day.  Today was a little better as I was busier and didn't have time to dwell.  Daddy sent me a picture of Maddox this afternoon just to ease my mind.  I know that Maddox will always know that I love him no matter what.  Hopefully the roller coaster will slow down soon.  Tomorrow is Wednesday and that is one day closer to the weekend.  It's funny that I used to count down the days to the weekend because I was overwhelmed at work or exhausted from burning the fire at every end possible.  So now I count down the days until I can have the whole day with the kids again to just snuggle and play.  Those are truly the happiest days of my life.  So what are your thoughts of which is best and why?  Any suggestions on how to get over the guilt I feel for leaving them everyday? 

Maddox having Tummy Time

Zachary and his awesome Tank